ashes and ice

resurrection hurts

2008-11-15T22:49:52Z

but for this moment, I'll post

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/album/64218/Colorado+Photo+Album/photo/2765478/Denver+Join+The+Imact+Rally+Sign

this was the sign i made and used in the Denver Join the Impact Rally against Prop 8. my feet hurt. People took pictures of the sign. I'll post them as I find them

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/page/Colorado

well time to lock this up

2008-03-29T15:49:59Z

I'll be ending this incarnation of my blog and starting up another somewhere for the ease of readership. Those who want to read the new version will have to contact me via the usual channels.

the net is vast and infinite.

things ive seen in the last week

2008-03-09T19:24:36Z

more of my own expunged body mass than i knew was possible, a bulimic moment after moment this week thanks to food poisoning,

the body of man ejected from his over flipping SUV sans head, said headless body to be struck by an opposite oncoming car seconds later, and

the body of a suicided twelve year old girl with her head split open like a halved melon, her brains, teeth, and tongue pink and purple and red and looking horrifically like exploded bubblegum, one eye on one side of the split skull, her other eye on the opposite part that flopped away to the right... and that beautiful wonderful person she had been, gone in three seconds that it took her to plunge the three stories from the shopping center roof, blood pouring from her wound like an ocean or iron-scented tomato soup...her jaw bow reflecting odd light as the bone beneath the skin was two pieces...

and a private conversation of mine splattered on the web.

these are the things ive seen this week... and to top it all off, my friends, my computers, both decided to fail this week. Yay.

ergh

2008-02-20T19:35:06Z

I should be drawing. practising. I crave drawing, but for gods sake there is no blank paper, my life is a paucity of blank paper, so I write, trying to scry the visual into the written words, spoken deafly in the mind. And it comes out sounding like crap, like this.

I've been trying to lose weight, and draw, and get my mind back together. I'm not having many nightmares right now, which is good, and my general practitioner wants me to take Seroquel... I'm uneasy about that, moreso for its implications. I'm not very good with people, these days, and my mind feels like a formica floor splashed with shards of stain glass depictions of memories that made sense long ago.

i feel like I'm in a long queue, like the ones at theme parks, with the cage walls to ensure the line doesn't stray, and I feel crushed towards something I do not want, like a crowd of people surrounds me, and is carrying me forward. I can't turn away.

i knew it.

2008-02-17T19:04:58Z

still alive....

2008-02-17T05:24:44Z

This was a triumph I’m making a note here: huge success It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction Aperture Science We do what we must because we can For the good of all of us Except the ones who are dead But there’s no sense crying over every mistake You just keep on trying till you run out of cake And the science gets done and you make a neat gun For the people who are still alive
I’m not even angry I’m being so sincere right now Even though you broke my heart and killed me And tore me to pieces And threw every piece into a fire As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you Now these points of data make a beautiful line And we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time So I’m glad I got burned, think of all the things we learned For the people who are still alive
Go ahead and leave me I think I’d prefer to stay inside Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you Maybe Black Mesa That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance Anyway this cake is great It’s so delicious and moist Look at me still talking when there’s science to do When I look out there it makes me glad I’m not you I’ve experiments to run, there is research to be done On the people who are still alive
And believe me I am still alive I’m doing science and I’m still alive I feel fantastic and I’m still alive And while you’re dying I’ll be still alive And when you’re dead I will be still alive Still alive Still alive

my life in tags

2008-02-07T04:12:40Z

anger, blood, body dysmorphic disorder, change, coffee, communication, computers, craziness, crushes, death, depression,, eating disorder, ed, emotion, evolution, eww!, exhausted, fat, fear, fight, friends, friendship, fucked up addict, furious, i want to die, ill, illness, insomnia, job life, life in tags,, loneliness, love, memories, mental illness, money, nostalgic, pain, personally stupid, radio silence, rage, self-hate, sick., stupidity, suicidal, the past, tired, tired sad, trouble, ugliness, ugly, vanity, violated

Andddd

2008-01-29T05:04:01Z

Equal time

2008-01-29T05:01:23Z

mariecrystal @ 2008-01-28T20:56:00

2008-01-29T04:56:58Z

uso....

2008-01-23T03:00:50Z

so alifay works in the same mall I do, and the other day I was in her store buying tea, and we ended talking about how awkward it is to know someone and see them in person when they read your live journal.

She asked me if my posts were all "real", or "true" I think, I can't remember;

I said lj was to put things down on paper to flush it out of my emotional system, and that i was really fine.

oops.

dissonnected

2008-01-23T02:56:19Z

ripped from a chat transcript of like 5 minutes ago from a guy i used to crush on, and still chat with.
__________________

6:40:18 PM Marie: /poke
6:40:51 PM (name removed): sup?
6:41:09 PM Marie: just got home.
6:41:16 PM (name removed): same
6:41:26 PM Marie: from?
6:41:32 PM (name removed): GW
6:41:37 PM (name removed): games Workshop
6:41:40 PM Marie: oh
6:41:47 PM Marie: i was like, guild wars?
6:42:16 PM (name removed): lol
6:42:21 PM (name removed): hows you?
6:42:29 PM Marie: hmm.
6:42:44 PM Marie: i shouldn't answer that question honestly.
6:42:52 PM (name removed): why's that?
6:43:18 PM Marie: because of social conventions geared at hiding negatives?
6:43:37 PM (name removed): o.o
6:43:42 PM (name removed): simple question?
6:43:59 PM Marie: honest answer?
6:45:29 PM (name removed): heh
6:45:31 PM (name removed): ok
6:46:01 PM Marie: if "honest answer" = Yes, then....
6:46:29 PM Marie: If "simply a generic greeting" = no, then
6:47:44 PM (name removed): im not trying to pry, you could say, i had a horrid day and i dont want to speak of it
6:48:04 PM (name removed): i was just wondering if you were doing ok or not
6:48:35 PM Marie: well, I dont mind telling you, but you may not like the answer.
6:49:09 PM Marie: i'm suicidally depressed at the moment. side effect of my species.
6:52:27 PM Marie: see, as a bit of back story, lately im having a hard time defining relationship boundaries, so i tell associates and non close friends very intimate things, and keep my closest friends at arms lengths. Shocks all groups of friends, which causes me to recoil. Humans call this "overshare," or "TMI."
6:59:48 PM (name removed): ahh. though i am curious as to why your depressed i wont pressure you to tell me. i understand, i've been depressed for a few months now as well. so i can at least relate a little.
7:00:34 PM Marie: oh no, the pressure! lol why for Aare you depressed?
7:01:06 PM (name removed): lots of reasons. it happens every year during the major portion of winter. i've come to accept it.
7:01:49 PM Marie: why accept it?
7:14:04 PM Marie: .poke
7:14:24 PM (name removed): appologies, i've accepted it because i cant change the causes of it
7:14:34 PM Marie: which are?
7:15:35 PM (name removed): my father dying, my dog dying. my mother throwing me out onto the street. and well. yeah
7:15:46 PM Marie: recent?
7:16:48 PM (name removed): nay, these were all years ago
7:16:55 PM (name removed): just they all happened in winter
7:17:02 PM (name removed): and they all hurt me, quite a bit
7:17:08 PM Marie: haha, "nay" renn faerie.
7:17:24 PM Marie: of course they did,
7:17:58 PM Marie: but isntthere happiness in your life?
7:22:16 PM (name removed): to some degree, i always sugarcoat stuff
7:22:31 PM Marie: why?
7:22:53 PM (name removed): there's no point dwelling on the unhappy portions of my existence
7:23:05 PM (name removed): there are to many to count and they all make me sick thinking about,
7:23:16 PM (name removed): so i try not to dwell on it
7:23:31 PM Marie: so to avoid one extreme you embrace the other, (sugarcoating?)
7:23:52 PM (name removed): what i do, do is still get hurt over it and i recede into my own thoughts thus ignoring other things and obligations
7:24:38 PM Marie: erf.
7:34:02 PM Marie: and so.
7:34:16 PM Marie: "Haw are you,
7:34:19 PM Marie: ?
7:36:08 PM (name removed): I'm for better or worse living
7:36:20 PM (name removed): got another model done, so i'm happy
7:36:25 PM Marie: yay
7:36:32 PM Marie: GW?
7:36:38 PM Marie: you chill there?
7:36:43 PM (name removed): aye, on occasion
7:36:54 PM (name removed): they encourage us to come in and paint or do other things
7:36:58 PM (name removed): like play
7:37:03 PM (name removed): they host games nightly
7:37:04 PM Marie: ah,
7:37:30 PM Marie: can you get paid for your l337 mod3ling skillz?
7:37:46 PM (name removed): i'll be back soon, i need to go let my mothers dog out.
7:37:47 PM (name removed): lol
7:37:55 PM (name removed): i'm no where3 near professional level
7:39:35 PM (name removed): be back quicklike
7:39:37 PM Marie: |37w, 7yp!|\|6 !|\| 1337 !5 |-|@rd \/\/|-|3|\| j00 r 01dzorz

wait, what?

2008-01-18T22:01:56Z

seriously? wtf, Japan, I mean, seriously?

existence is ludicrous.

Disagreement = aggression?

my work life has recently taken some challenging turns, and I find myself questioning everything about this job. Perhaps a new one in a new city is in order. The essence of the problem is that my managers have accused me aggressive and threatening behaviour towards other coworkers. I resisted the urge to make any corporate back-stabbing remarks, and am pondering whether or not to pursue this further, because as it stands now it's basically slander. However, proof is in the eye of the beholder in this respect. I have a feeling it's an effort to silence any objections I might ever have, on grounds that any such objection is evidence of aggressive or threatening behaviour. I take it as a given that no one really believes I walk around, bully-gloves on, and steal my coworkers milk money, but it makes me wonder.

still waking up at 3am

2008-01-16T13:12:56Z

work. sleep, more work, not enough sleep. ive also seen an increase in random stomach pains lately. YAY. leaving for cupertino on the 27th ish

into oblivion, nightly

2008-01-15T04:24:23Z

via martini's. i wish i could afford to be more of an alcoholic rather than a social lush, but flash backs are teh suck. no other way to sleep without remembering _him_ I hope he rots in hell. Gnight!

in slow motion,

2008-01-14T05:13:25Z

my life is losing meaning, emptying of purpose, and like anesthesia gained from the ever present lack of warmth in the relationships in my life, as exhaustion takes over I'm failing to care, losing myself to the rythm of going through the motions whilst I wither from within. This is what acceptance of mediocrity feels like , when you are too tired to fight for long vanishing dreams, and too burdened by obligation to die...ther's a dark humor in deciding not to commit suicide because the rent needs to be paid but there it is. Not that I feel that way. I just wish my sense if hope had died a lot sooner, because I wasted so much time fighting the Herculean monster of my truths.

I just lost

2008-01-13T00:04:25Z

some 24 ish hours of my life over the period of two days to the Science Channel. Its like all the best Nova shows from the eighties except better. Or what the discovery channel SHOULD have been.

I need energy. So lethargic . But science YAY! My headshrinker thinks I might be borderline bipolar. Says I might need anxiety meds. I was disheartened, but we shall see.

Finally

2008-01-11T17:05:32Z

a good cup of proper tea in the states, inexpensively. alifay introduced me to her tea craze earlier at the tea box, but it wasn't until she helped open the local Teavana store and introduced my partner to a mixed white tea that we were able to make good on my dream of loose leaf tea. And oh, let me tell you, the real thing is sooooo worth it. Anyone on the Colorado area, if you are itching to try a good cup of tea and get the proper supplies to make loose leaf tea ( not to mention free proper instruction on proper tea making practices) stop in the teavana store at Cherry Creek, and ask for Alison,

i realize this post is purely advertisement, but people who hate American tea or tea in general because they've been drinking bitter dust from a bag need to see the light of a real honest to the Queen cup of tea.

mariecrystal @ 2008-01-01T21:18:00

2008-01-02T04:26:31Z

My world is small. I see these massive spheres of other's influence, and I realize even in a city this size, my place is really just a tiny hamlet. I am invisible at best, actively shunned at worst, and its odd that I find myself settling into this rut, as if finally, my dreams for that Murakami-ian life by the sea or in the City that inhabits my dreams and hopes is just a pretty, blurring mural painted on the faded wall of this subway station that is my life, taking me further down into mediocrity.

human

2007-12-29T06:41:06Z

i don't want to be human.
i don't want to be god.
I don't want to be a corpse.
a machine has utility, design, value, purpose.
I WANT to be a machine.
I am mostly artificial as it stands now,
remade in the image of many others
and I want to be synthetic
completely.

Machines have no need for human values like
emotion
friendship
moral judgement,
or a psychological Cheerios Effect,
They exist,
they act
create
destroy.

im not crazy.

2007-12-21T13:01:19Z

every great day brings a really bad day soon after. found out a person i know and regularly crush on has a life threatening illness. can't say much else as to their condition or identity for privacy reasons but.....

yeah.

soul clipping

2007-12-20T01:47:26Z

Good things are bad for me. Paradoxical statement, until you nudge the layers of context into place...everytime I have a good day, a really great day, something snaps, maybe the karma weavers of Fate decide to tangle my strings and everything good is soon replaced by bad things, days of it. I don't want to be nice to anyone, get hopeful over anyone, get close in anyway... The feedback of bad luckis too much.

yay!

2007-12-18T15:47:59Z

ding! congratulations kathygnome!
http://kathygnome.livejournal.com/
way to level!

Via my friend A.L. in Cali

2007-12-18T03:09:55Z

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/roo/510803979.html

a pure must read

Happy Holidays: Muslim helps Jews attacked on New York subway

2007-12-13T02:03:19Z

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Muslim helps Jews attacked on New York subway
Story Highlights
Incident began when man said "Happy Hanukkah"
Members of a group of young people allegedly responded with anti-Semitic language
One of the Jews was punched during the altercation
A Muslim student from Bangladesh jumped to his aid

From Nkechi Nneji
CNN
NEW YORK (CNN) -- A Muslim man jumped to the aid of three Jewish subway riders after they were attacked by a group of young people who objected to one of the Jews saying "Happy Hanukkah," a spokeswoman for the three said Wednesday.

Friday's altercation on the Q train began when somebody yelled out "Merry Christmas," to which rider Walter Adler responded, "Happy Hanukkah," said Toba Hellerstein.

"Almost immediately, you see the look in this guy's face like I've called his mother something," Adler told CNN affiliate WABC.

Two women who were with a group of 10 rowdy people then began to verbally assault Adler's companions with anti-Semitic language, Hellerstein said.

One member of the group allegedly yelled, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus," she said.

When Adler tried to intercede, a male member of the group punched him, she said.

Another passenger, Hassan Askari -- a Muslim student from Bangladesh -- came to Adler's aid, and the group began physically and verbally assaulting him, Hellerstein said.

"A Muslim-American saved us when our own people were on the train and didn't do anything," Adler said. Watch Adler describe the altercation »

Adler pulled the emergency brake and the train stopped at DeKalb Avenue station, where police came on board.

The 10 suspects, ages 19 to 20, were taken into custody, said Brooklyn district attorney spokesman Sandy Silverstein.

Askari was first handcuffed alongside them, but he was released when Adler told police he was not an attacker, Hellerstein said.

Alder was treated at Long Island College Hospital for injuries that included a fractured nose and a cut lip that required several stitches, while Askari suffered a black eye, Hellerstein said.

The suspects are to appear in Brooklyn District Court on February 7 on charges that include assault, attempted assault, menacing, harassment, unlawful assembly, riot and disorderly conduct, Silverstein said.

The New York Police Department's Hate Crimes Task Force is investigating the incident, and will determine whether the suspects will be charged with hate crimes, Officer Philip Hauser told CNN.

Find this article at:
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/12/12/subway.attack

© 2007 Cable News Network.